Let me start by giving you a little bit of back ground before I get to you.
When I was 2 the molestation started, amazingly enough I remember it. See we were poor and though both my parents worked we couldn’t afford to live anywhere except trailer courts until I was 12. Well if you know anything about trailer courts it’s kinda like the hood for poor white people in small towns here. Lol…. Anyway, until I was 9 everywhere we moved I was molested by different teenage boys. Naturally by the time I was 11 I was pretty twisted.
A guy moved in with us that year and molested me and a friend one night when my parents were out and we were sleeping. Most of the time other girls told and I lied. I really felt like it was my fault you know. I carried their sin with me for years.
Anyway by the time I was 14 I was invited to a campground with some boys got drunk and was taken advantage of…. That seemed to be the last straw I was drunk every weekend and all summer. By the time I was 16 I discovered drugs, marijuana mostly, I was striving to find anything that would numb me that would make me not have to think about my life. I had guys by the dozens, after all, I figured that’s what love was right? Screwed up, I know.
By 18 after graduation and a short relationship I went into a bar picked up the local meth dealer and started a messed up crazy 3 year relationship. Almost to you hang on….
The first time he hit me I should have left, but I guess I didn’t feel I deserved any better. So I stayed. He would freak out with paranoia and accuse me of all kinds of things from being an undercover FBI agent to cheating on him to stealing. He would beat me and if I fought back at all he actually had the audacity to sit down and show me all HIS bruises even though he outweighed me by 80lbs and he’d say “look what you did to me” I mean and I actually felt bad. He was 11 years my senior and I was only 18 when we started dating, he could manipulate and sway me anyway he wanted, and he did.
After a year at 19 he talked me into dancing at the local strip club to make money for him. That ended fast when I couldn’t explain away the bruises anymore. It only fueled his fire against me… It was nightly that he would hit me. Anyway so now were at 20 lol, ironic I know.
So during this time we were driving back home one day and I heard this song Push and I loved the rhythm and I would sing along with it, but one day I really listened and the lyrics freaked me out! No seriously I really thought whoever wrote that song knew me…. Like literally knew my secret thoughts what I was screaming on the inside. I wasn’t interested in who sang it, but I had to know who wrote it! I honestly thought I was gonna find out it was someone who knew me. I didn’t really pursue it until 3am came out…. I know this is hard to believe and I’m not trying to say you wrote those songs for me ok so hang with me till the end…. But I love thunderstorms always have and I used to stand in the middle of them and I believed it cleansed you that it was a way of taking all the crap away…. And yep you guessed it our clock was stuck at 3:00 (am or pm ?) It had been that way for months.
Anyway at this time in our relationship he would leave me alone with nothing for days at a time, and even brought a girl home with him, sure he left her in the car, but he was cheating. Of course he explained it away and I believed him…. But I was so lonely…
Ok so back to you… After I heard that song I went out and bought the cd…. I read the lyrics and found out you wrote them… I must have studied your face for hours wondering where I’d met you or how you knew me. After listening to all the songs they matched it was crazy! I wanted to meet you talk to you find out how you knew my life (wish they had twitter back then lol)
Anyway I remember this day so specifically. The house had gotten locked and he was mad, apparently I had locked it and forgot the keys, and truthfully maybe I did I really don’t know. But as we walked behind the house he hit me and screamed at me for locking us out. I don’t know y but I didn’t get angry I just simply left, as the tears rolled down, I just got in the car and drove to a nature reserve. I remember just staring at the water crying and hearing a still small voice clearly saying “It’s going to be ok, I’m here.” Now I had never heard anything like that before, but amazingly I wasn’t scared I felt better, I didn’t know who it was lol, but I felt loved. It was in that moment I decided to find out when you were coming to Iowa, I needed to meet you.
I got in the car and turned on the radio and there was an announcement for mb20 coming to Ames soon, I don’t remember the time span. Anyway I went with a friend and never did meet you, but after driving in a blizzard, one of the worst in years, I made it home.
Somehow he knew I was different he began to try to get my mind back to him and it was like my eyes were opened and I seen the truth, he had been lying to me and manipulating me for years. I was done, I broke it off that night. He wasn’t done though.
Later that week he wanted me to go to a bar with him and I didn’t want to go. So when he went in the shower I ran and hid in a ditch to try and get away. Well his boss found me and took me back to him. I went to the bar that night and watched him dance with these two girls…. I knew a couple guys in the band so on break I was talking with them.
Anyway at closing time I left the bar and these two girls attacked me verbally apparently his magic worked on them and he had convinced them I was sleeping with the band…. So not true…. Anyway I let them go off on me and then told them they could have him… they got in the car and left me 30 miles away. Two girls standing with me gave me a ride to the local country kitchen, I found a guy there I knew who gave me a ride home.
While in front of my house he tried to kiss me, I felt bad but explained that I just got out of a relationship, I couldn’t get into another one. Anyway, when I went inside apparently my ex had been watching out the window, he wasn’t happy. About a week b4 that I had a bra that scratched my chest and apparently he thought it was a hickey so he tore my shirt to see if it was still there… it was, wasn’t a hickey, I don’t know if that’s what set him off or what but he threw me over his shoulder and raped me. I was locked up with him for three days before I finally escaped. He tried to catch me but oddly enough he somehow flew up against a car and hurt his ankle. I got away. The next few months were a blur I was doing acid and drinking a ton….
I was raped by a stranger when walking home one night. I got in the car (stupidly) and he drove me to a really run down neighborhood. I tried to run but he caught me and told me he’d kill me if I tried to run again. I just gave, I acted like I was into it. It saved my life. On the way to take me home thank God his car broke down! We went our separate ways, he left telling me we should go shopping sometime, that he would take me on a real date next time…. Ok really didn’t think this was a date, dude…
I fell into such a slump I was so messed up I thought God hated me, I’ve never been so miserable in all my life. I remember sitting in the bathtub with a razor to my wrist only to have my roommate bang on the door till I opened it bc he had to use the bathroom… So I drank and drank….. what was the point of living right?
About a year later I was at a friends house and apparently she thought it would be cute to bring my ex and I back together. He was decent and acted normal it was actually a nice night, until she left me alone with him. Almost as soon as we were alone he tackled me and threw me on the sofa with a knife to my throat. Apparently I was there undercover again, lol… As tears rolled down my face I silently prayed asking God to forgive me of all I had done. For some reason he wasn’t ready me to die because, no lie, the anger left my ex’s face and he handed me the knife! CRAZY! I locked myself in my friend’s room for the rest of the night. It was in that night that I met the real Jesus, the real savior. I realized that right where I was, broken and beaten for some reason he loved me. I cried all night, btw I realize now is what truly cleanses us
Ok so my point? God used your words to open my eyes to what was happening to me! I realized I was being pushed around and abused. I don’t know if you believe in Jesus, but it doesn’t matter he believes in you. He knew I wasn’t going to turn on the Christian radio station and listen, he had to reach me somehow, and that was you.
So thank you, thank you for writing the songs. Thank you for going through with it to the point of fame, so that my life could be better. I will always have this place in my heart for you. Not like oh my gosh I love you because your famous type, but thanks for aiding in saving my life type of place.
Now that I’m older, lets not go there, lol j/k. But seriously I get it now I get that music moves me, it is so much a part of who I am, I use it to minister, God uses it to speak to me, it’s ingrained in me. I can’t listen to you anymore because it’s just not wise for me, but I do pray that I’ll be seeing you on the Christian scene! Don’t laugh, I’m serious!! OK that’s all I have to say I just hope you really get the power of your words and realize that your one of my heros :)
O and just so you know, I’m not abused anymore, Because of Christ I met my soul mate, he is my #1 hero aside from Jesus. He’s made my life worth living again! He’s so supportive and has helped me walk through this healing process. I pray you’ve found that same love in Marisol! God Bless you both! I will forever be praying for you both!!
I hope your blessed and encouraged today :)
